I don't understand people. Really, I don't, not at all. I read emotions and body language like a book, or so my shrink told me1
, but what makes them work mystifies me beyond all reason. I'm constantly terrified that everyone's going to go away and stop liking me, or find someone more interesting to talk to, and I know I'm no good at conversation, because I say weird stuff that makes no sense and stutter and ramble endlessly or don't talk at all, and I'm so hypersensitive to people's emotions that they can walk in and smile a little less brightly than usual and I'm sure they've decided to hate me, and then I'm even more self-conscious and avoid people and run away from human contact because I don't want to go on that horrible emotional roller-coaster even though they probably would think I was all right if I could just get over myself. On the other hand, I really don't know why anyone would want to hang around with me in the first place, because I'm not funny or witty or worth your time and there are so many more people out there who are so much more interesting and I wonder sometimes if all my friends don't just put up with me out of pity.
This has been your daily overflow of emo. Razor blades are for people who don't have blogs.
On Friday nenya_kanadka
and I are going out for dinner with Mo & Joni, who may or may not be a real live happy old gay Episcopalian couple. I've never met one, unless you count Bishop Robinson
, which really doesn't figure, media firestorm or no media firestorm, as I was never actually introduced to his husband. Well, if you'd find them anywhere, you'd find them at St Christopher's, which is...the only church I've ever been to where I actually look forward to attending and miss it when I don't go. Which is surprising. And shiny. And I still haven't gotten over that.
And WTF, WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD does my boss have a giant cardboard box SHAPED LIKE A COFFIN that RATTLES WHEN YOU KICK IT leaning next to the dumpster for garbage pickup? O_O1 Which totally makes it sound like I'm a New Yorker who has a regular shrink who couchifies me every week and takes apart my brain, when actually mum dragged me to see one once during a period of mad depression in tenth year and she asked me questions like 'How do you feel?' and 'How's your sex life?' and I gave answers like 'Vaguely pissy' and 'Nonexistent,' not necessarily in that order.( Self-perpetuationCollapse )
I'm at work and it's too hot in here and the thermostat's not cooperating and my new boss is all 'You can't do your homework at work anymore' and I'm all 'stfu n00b.' And I've been feeling crappy for a couple of days for no good reason, just general ick. And tomorrow's my last day of class before Christmas vacation, which would be shiny except...nothing to do because I have no social life in TN outside of, like, school, and I think my classes are going to be bollocks next semester (not that they aren't this semester, but at least I know the rhythm). I miss home right now so much that it hurts, like someone's twisting my heart out little by little. I miss snow and the skating rink and knowing everybody and being walking distance from everything and always having someone to see a film with. And I thought I'd quit biting my nails for a couple of weeks, but now I'm doing it again. And a friend of mine and I got into an argument on Friday which ended with her pretty much telling me to sod off, and we've sort of apologised to each other but things haven't been the same between us since, and I think she's mad about something else but won't tell me what it is. And I've got some disappointing news of a personal nature just now--not at all unexpected, but still disappointing, the kind that can really ruin your day. And my favourite mens' white dress shirt with the red candy-striped collar and the French cuffs has a stain.